Having the Privilege

I don’t want to be silent, but I don’t know what to say.

I am watching as my city and country are in turmoil today. I am watching as broken-hearted, hurt, justifiably angry people step out and stand up for the pain and injustice they are suffering. I am watching them risk their own health and safety in the middle of a pandemic to show solidarity with those treated with brutal unfairness.

I say I am watching because I have the privilege of not knowing those pains and injustices first hand. I have the privilege of being able to retreat to my suburban neighborhood and watch from a distance. I have the privilege of having the color of skin that isn’t discriminated against.

I am watching with tears in my eyes as people fight for the right to be treated with basic human decency. I am watching with tears as people fight to be respected instead of stereotyped, to be seen for their worth and not for their perceived danger. I am watching as people bind together to fight against the systemic injustice that effects our communities and the powers that keep those systems in place.

I am also watching as doctors fighting the pandemic don’t have enough protective gear to keep them safe as they save lives but police have more than enough protective riot gear to keep them safe as they stir up violence among peaceful protesters. I am watching reporters be arrested on live television because their skin is seen as a threat. I am watching stories of violent white protesters barging in and endangering peaceful protests in black communities. I am watching black local elected representatives join protests to stand with their constituents and try to deescalate situations get pepper sprayed by their own police departments.

I am watching and I am grieving.

I don’t want to be silent, but I don’t know what to say.

Of course I am upset on their behalf. Of course I want change. Of course I want mercy and justice to prevail. Of course. Of course.

But I struggle with finding my role in speaking up. I don’t want to be yet another privileged white person on the internet virtue signaling that I am against racism by posting a cute quote graphic. I don’t want my voice to detract from those that desperately need to be heard right now. I don’t want to inject myself into something I cannot speak to.

But I also don’t want to close my mouth and say nothing. I don’t want to put the onus of the revolution on the already over-burdened shoulders of those who are suffering. I don’t want to turn to someone hurting and expect them to teach me how I aided in their hurts. I don’t want them to feel unsupported or unloved in their fight.

It is on me. That is a hard truth. I am not good at speaking up. Disturbing the peace and causing conflict goes against every fiber of my being. It gives me great anxiety. But so does the anger that I feel at the unnecessary conflict and unrest put upon others, an anger that grows until it comes out as hot tears.

I don’t know what difference I can make. I’m not sure how to start. There is so much strife and I feel so overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. Of the normalcy of the injustice in our society. Of the callousness of those who hear the cries of the hurting and can only complain about the inconvenience of it. Of the hardened hearts of those in power when the victims cry out let my people go. Of the call to just be peaceful when peace wasn’t working.

But I need to do something. I’m the one with the unfair privileges. And I have the privilege of getting to use them to help those who don’t.

I’m donating to a local group today. I’m praying for safety and mercy and justice. I’m sitting in a place of holy anger and grief today alongside those who are upset and mourning. I will do what I can and I will work on being better. It’s on me. It’s on all of us.